Mothers Today

Single Moms & The Struggles Leading to Transfer of Custody

Happy Mothers Day to all of the women in the world that has or still is caring of children.  This goes for all of the Aunties, Grandmas', Step-Moms, Foster Moms, and any other motherly figure I may have forgotten.  Enjoy your day cause you have deserved it!

Almost 4 years ago, my husband and I gained the custody of his twin boys.  It was very unexpected.  We found out that they were in foster care through a letter from the local Department of Social Services that was delivered on a Saturday.  Prior to that, my husband had heard anything or even seen his boys in over 4 years. This was not because he didn't want to be an active father to his kids, but because the mother of his children was refusing him the right to see them, or even know the physical location of his sons, despite the fact that he was paying almost $700.00 a month in child support.

To make a long story short, we were assigned a lawyer, went to court, heard the evidence, and was granted full custody of the boys.  The details of the trial were shattering to say the least, but the judge made it very clear that the boys were better off with their father.  Their Mom was given visitation rights during the hearing, and was instructed on the conditions of her visitation. All was well with the world.....or so I thought.

Visitations were inconsistent, phone calls were inconsistent, and her paying child support was non-existent. Weeks, months would pass without even a phone call to say hi, or to reassure her kids that she was still alive.  It was like a revolving door; one week she would call everyday, the next 3-4 months, nothing.

The thing is, while all of this was going on, I was noticing that this situation that my husband and I was going through was happening more frequently in urban households.  More single, young mothers were starting to give up on raising their children. Was the stress of having to raise the kids on their own to much to handle?  Was the fact that they were unable to enjoy their younger years because of early motherhood now causing them to back track and make up for lost time? Both of these explanations seem realistic, but were they really the cause to this epidemic taking over our urban communities?

I believe it is a combination of issues that lead to this breakdown between mothers and their children. First, the relationships in which these children are produced in may be based on promises that both parties know are unrealistic from the the beginning, and they end abruptly causing the mother to do one of two things; hold the children as a pawn to get to the father, or alienate herself and the children from the father to hurt him mentally. Not all single mothers have to raise their kids by themselves.  It is a choice that some, I said some single mothers make on their own without any input from the father of the kids.  It is easy for a woman to say, "He don't want nothing to do with his kids," when the mother doesn't even take the time to involve the father in the kids life. Why do some, I said some, single mothers do this? Because they are hurt. Hurt over the fact that the father of the kids broke a promise.  The promise of being together for ever or being a family.  This hurt runs deep for many single mothers. And for some, (I said some) just to look at the children they had with someone that they once loved only adds to the pain.  It is that constant reminders that their heart was broken.

I'm not going to lie, I was and still am upset with how my Step-sons are treated by their biological mother.  It took some time for me to really understand why this was happening, and why a mother would carry a child for 9 months, raise them for a couple of years, and then turn their back on them. So, with all this being said, single, young, urban mothers, don't give up.  I know how hard the road is cause I've been down it before.  But in order to end the cycle, you are going to have to cope with reality and learn how to slowly move on.  Their are so many different resources you can use if you feel like you need help (DSS, Local Health Department, parenting groups, support groups).  Do it for you. Do it for your kids.

Enjoy your Mothers Day!!